I wasn't sure how I was going to begin this post with the subject being a little heavy for some. It's the 5 year anniversary of a traumatic day in my life (next week on February 13th, 2021 is the 5 year anniversary date) and I wanted to share how & why it happened and how I am feeling now (plus some self-reflection, too).
These are the words I wrote on February 13th, 2016:
"The unthinkable comes out of me and I was talking to my ex and I kept begging him for another chance and I went to the kitchen and grabbed a knife and took it with me to my room and said my last prayers and held the knife to my chest as I was still crying. My parents were concerned and gave me a long pep talk about everything. I almost gave up on life."
I am thankful that I didn't end my life that day otherwise I wouldn't be talking to you. I didn't know what was going on in my mind at the moment and the fact I saw the light in lieu of the darkness. I'm just thankful I had my parents there that day. I no longer talk to the person I reference in the post from 2016. I had cut him off indefinitely out of my life. He was a person that ruined me mentally and physically and emotionally (my anxiety got way more heightened around that time period). I just have been afraid of going down that same road again so I've just been enjoying my own company in the meantime. I remember telling my then-therapist what had happened and I was afraid to tell her but I did. Holding things in isn't healthy, and I knew if I kept it in I would regret it immensely. I felt better after that appointment that next day.
But I want you to know something, this reader, because you are someone that is worthy of everything in this world. Don't let someone dictate how you feel at all. I let someone do that to me it almost ended my life. I didn't want to end my life because I had so much to look forward to in those next years of my life. I knew life was worth living again. I wanted to tell myself that constantly (even if my anxiety flared up some). Because sometimes we get things thrown at us in life and we think we handle it, but sometimes we can't, and sometimes we can. We just have to reframe those negative thoughts into positive ones. It's not as easy as it seems but it works. I find journaling really helpful with getting those thoughts out of me.
As I'm typing this, a band I remember seeing my 10th grade year of high school- We the Kings- released a new song today called The Light and it deeply spoke to me. And the one of the lyrics referenced coming into the light from the darkness. When was this song when I needed it most? I'll link the post of the song if you wanted to listen it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A8QKJufu8CM. It's a great tune if you want something comforting ❤️.
So, here are a couple quotes that I love- to ease the healing from that day some:
I wasn't sure how was going to begin this post because I know this subject matter is heavy for some. It can be a lot to take in and I'm thankful I'm alive, healthy, and still existing in this world. Because I felt like I gained a second life since that day happened. I had great times in my life beyond that day happening. I am just thankful to exist in this life; I truly am.
Take the time today to appreciate what life is; spend time with those that you love most and know you are worthy of so much more than you think. Also, most importantly take the time to nurture your soul with things that make you happy. See you all in a future post!
Sending you lots of love + light,
Lauren
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Jesus Christ. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or recieved or heard from me, or seen in me- put into practice. And the God of peace will be with you."- Philippians 4:6-9 (NIV)
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