Lauren's Personal Post | August 2016

Hello, guys! I haven't done a personal post in such a while so unfortunately I'm doing one today.

As I'm writing this, I'm surrounded by people I don't know that in the house I'm vacationing at this week. My family is here too but I just can't take this day like I should be able to. Everything has been aggravating me to my breaking point today. Just everything. From having to deal with money problems for a Comic-Con like thing in September with my best friend, my ex, etc.

Then, I just start losing it after everything that has been bothering me. You know the whole deal with that here.

And also, I feel like I've been overshadowed by my sister ever since she has gone to college (and now going back in the fall for her last two years at UMUC). I feel like they gravitate the attention towards her and I get that invisible feeling inside of me that I don't personally like. I just want to be the person that gets all the credit she deserves in life, not having my younger sister taking it all away from me. Then, when she hangs around with the way younger kids on my block where I live she gets all the attention. It gets so frustrating sometimes! Why her?! Why not me?! I hate having to hide myself all the time. Notice that I'm here too, you know?! Like I remember one thing, I was getting ready to head out to the movies with my best friend; one of the kids my sister likes just freaking leaves me by myself and I told her I didn't want to be alone and just freaking leaves me. WTF??? I guess those parents of the kids my sister likes don't understand how nice of a person I can be.

Me and my thoughts conversing here:

It's just them, Lauren; they do like you in some way shape or form.

NO! They don't like me, they like my sister because she done something with her life whereas I'm still figuring out mine. 

They'll like you! 

NO! Just stop talking please I'm tired of hearing these thoughts from you, I'm tired of it. I just want to be well liked by those kids and I guess they don't like me back. Well, I don't like one of those kids but yeah that's another story for another day.  

Why don't you like that particular kid?

She reminds me of a childhood friend that had the same bossy attitude and I can't stand the sight of the girl whenever I see her in my neighborhood.

She that bad?

Yeah, unfortunately.

Well, what about the others?

The others, some of them are okay and cool; the rest of them are okay.

Have you always had a problem with kids?  

Ever since I was diagnosed at the age of 3 with my autism, I've never seen a bond with kids when I'm around them.

Really? 

Yes, really. But I've just not been the person that sees myself with a baby in my arms in the future. 

Why?

I feel like I've not been the mom type. Especially if I'm around my younger cousins.

You don't want kids is what your trying to say?

Yes. That's what I'm saying. I'd rather be happy with a pet than another pint-sized human. 

You love animals more than humans?

I love them both equally but a pet is fine for me instead. 

You'd rather be happy with your future husband, pet, and you?

Yes.

What do you like about yourself as a human of the world?

I like the fact that I can take time for myself whenever I need it. To breathe is to live. To not breathe is to die.

Wow, that's deep.

Sorry, thoughts.

You're good. 

Thanks. 

So do you see yourself married, happy and with someone that loves and cares about you?

I hope to be happy with someone that loves me and truly will care for me. As long as they can handle my crazy side (haha), it's all good. Whomever God chooses for me, I know that man will be caring, kind, and will love anything and everything about me. 

What do you look for in a person?

Humour, Care, Loving, Smart, and Free-Spirit'ed- ness

Anything you dislike?

Cockiness, being on your electronic devices constantly and not paying attention to me, and big egos (know-it-all's), etc. 

Okay, anything else today before I go?

Nope, your good. Enjoy your day.

See ya.

Sorry for that long conversation with my thoughts; I thought (ha, no pun here) I would share them with you. It's just a lot on my mind to talk about and writing it makes it feel like a destressor for me.

I hope you enjoyed what's been on the personal side of me lately. I usually don't like to be too personal with you on this blog but I did it for you today.

Lauren :)

Take time out for what's the most important to you in your life. 

You only have one life. Enjoy it to the fullest.

Be a better version of yourself.