I've come to terms that I've not updated you all in a hot minute. So for today's post- it'll be a life updates from what I can remember. And I'll add a few things I want to share after the updates.
Life Updates/Points to Share:
- Continued writing more (wrote one called "Love Is Blind" plus the sequel which is called "Love Is Blinder- the first one plays off a relationship I was in that didn't turn out as well; the sequel follows up with the main character post-breakup and what she's doing to change her life for the better; working on one currently called "Why Did it have to get to this?" which is loosely based on a supposed friendship I was in).
- Did a lot more fitness related challengs which is super out of my comfort zone- one in June which was the Blogilates summer sculpt challenge (6 days of workouts, one day of stretching); I never thought I would start doing that as my sister is bit more of fitness person than me; then did the LSF summer shape up in July + August; also in October, did most of the Tone It Up 31 day fall fitness challenge.
- My mental health has been more of a struggle as of recent; I've been dealing with family issues (on my mom's side most- I've got some selfish extended family members that's all I'll state here), some stuff from my ex-best friend I've seen on Instagram (now that she's preggers, dealing with a lot mentally / physically, and had her own family issues that shook me to my core), and had a family member go through lung surgery (thankfully she's good). Even with my anxiety getting to me, it threw me off my workout schedule a few days in October. But with all of dealing with that, my anxiety flared up more which was scary. Almost one day had a panic attack (haven't had one since 2015 / 2016), and was sobbing uncontrollably and lashing out and hurting myself by punching my hand on to something to make myself feel that pain I was in. And sometimes my sleep would get thrown off, too. My own digestion (little TMI here) flared up some when dealing with the anxiety (appetite thrown off / not eating much sometimes). I hate when I feel like that. Possibly looking into a potential therapist as I do struggle sometimes daily with talking to other people besides family (need another person to talk to; haven't been in a few years to therapy- it's a great tool for anyone if they can afford it).
- Celebrated birthdays for family / furry friends (ie my dad, my mom, my grandmother, my pop pop, my 2nd cousin, my cousin, and my doggy Hyatt).
- And I've also been struggling a ton with my sexuality; I've always felt like I've not identified as female nor male. I've felt "fluid" in a way. I've never cared about gender when it comes to that aspect (even though I've never been with a girl before). When I was in that supoosed friendship I mentioned above, I did start developing feelings for that friend. I had let the negative aspect get to me so much, I couldn't focus on what the positive aspect was. She was a lovely person to be around, but always was a very negative person about anything and everything. She was the person I wanted to see what kissing girls felt like (as embarrassing as that sounds to me writing this right now). It wouldn't be embarrassing to some people. I, sometimes, feel I identify as gender fluid / pansexual if you want specific terms. All my life I've never felt like my self, I've always felt different. People would always mistreat / use me for things, and I didn't like being taken advantage of at all. I just wanted to be myself. Is it that hard to ask?
What I want you to know, the reader, reading this that if you are struggling daily don't be afraid to ask for help. Know that there is help out there, and if you are someone that isn't sure of your "identity" to this world; it will come sooner than later. Mine took time to figure it out; labels I usually don't like but it's better to get out whatever it is that is holding you back from being who you want to be. Be the different one, show off your true colors, and hold your head up high. Someone out there may be telling you that right now. If they haven't, I'm sorry; but all that aside, you will find yourself. You be free of the person you once were and you can finally be the person you've always meant to be: YOU!
Let me tell you something I should've told my younger self:
"Life will always tell you to be this or do this; don't listen to what that is. Just be yourself; let your freak flag fly, honey! Don't be like everyone else. They say it's a trap you know. But open yourself to things you never thought you could open yourself to doing."
I hope you enjoyed this post and don't be afraid to be different. Life isn't always meant to be perfect sometimes; but do one thing for me, make sure you are taking care of yourself inside and out. It will help in the hereafter. You are loved, strong, and worthy of such great things.
-Lauren-
