An Entry of How I Feel Right Now About Life | December 2019

A bible verse that I thought fit this post perfectly.

Sometimes we think we can handle everything. That's not always the case. We try to accomplish everything and we feel like a failure if it isn't done. We also know we can try again tomorrow. My life right now doesn't always feel like its full of happiness (some days it can feel like that) and typically I feel a lot more overwhelm / anxiety / worry than I should around the holiday season (lots going on and I feel like my head is spinning). I know I should slow down, take a breath, and relax. Sometimes I cannot always do that; I usually have a hard time slowing down. Need to practice self-care more during this season and beyond. 

I just feel sometimes people don't hear me when I'm trying to speak them. I'm trying to help them and I feel like I did something wrong (even though I didn't do anything). I just feel even more emotional than I already was intending to be. I just need to know that I'm here and that  sometimes you don't need to shut me out. I can't take the fact that season is already getting to be too much for me (and none of the celebrations haven't even happened yet). I don't feel as excited as I should and I know I should be happy but I'm not. 

I don't get depressed to the point of where you neglect your normal day to day routine; I just get sad and just want to hide away from the world. Nothing excites me in this state of mind. Reassurance and distractions are two keys to getting me out of this sometimes. I know everything will feel back to normal when the new year starts. I am hoping it will at least feel like that. 

A nice reminder in case anyone needs it ❤️.

Back to normal seems like a big statement to put in place; why you ask? Because sometimes you can't always get what you expect. It will still feel the same because you choose to make yourself feel this way. You cannot change this unless you take the change for yourself (take that statement with you). 

Hoping for more new things to try, to get back my motivation to get back into writing again, and to know I can handle anything (as basic as this sounds). I can overcome the feeling I feel inside somedays; I can get past this; I can move forward; I can choose to let the light in when I feel my heart needs it rather than letting my heart feel destroyed inside. 

If you are feeling this way, know you can get beyond it. I've got that faith in ya. I can be that person you can talk to, cry to, sip coffee with, etc. 

You are worth the love you bring into this world.

You are worth every ounce of magic that you have given to this world.

You are the light that shines (even if you don't think you do).

You are one person; you can overcome; you are allowed to feel things; you are allowed to have bad days; you are worth it. 

Just wanted to share with you all today. Been needing to more lately. 

-Lauren-

Life Updates + Future Things To Think About | October 2019

I've come to terms that I've not updated you all in a hot minute. So for today's post- it'll be a life updates from what I can remember. And I'll add a few things I want to share after the updates.

Life Updates/Points to Share:

• Continued writing more (wrote one called "Love Is Blind" plus the sequel which is called "Love Is Blinder- the first one plays off a relationship I was in that didn't turn out as well; the sequel follows up with the main character post-breakup and what she's doing to change her life for the better; working on one currently called "Why Did it have to get to this?" which is loosely based on a supposed friendship I was in).
• Did a lot more fitness related challengs which is super out of my comfort zone- one in June which was the Blogilates summer sculpt challenge (6 days of workouts, one day of stretching); I never thought I would start doing that as my sister is bit more of fitness person than me; then did the LSF summer shape up in July + August; also in October, did most of the Tone It Up 31 day fall fitness challenge. 
• My mental health has been more of a struggle as of recent; I've been dealing with family issues (on my mom's side most- I've got some selfish extended family members that's all I'll state here), some stuff from my ex-best friend I've seen on Instagram (now that she's preggers, dealing with a lot mentally / physically, and had her own family issues that shook me to my core), and had a family member go through lung surgery (thankfully she's good). Even with my anxiety getting to me, it threw me off my workout schedule a few days in October. But with all of dealing with that, my anxiety flared up more which was scary. Almost one day had a panic attack (haven't had one since 2015 / 2016), and was sobbing uncontrollably and lashing out and hurting myself by punching my hand on to something to make myself feel that pain I was in. And sometimes my sleep would get thrown off, too. My own digestion (little TMI here) flared up some when dealing with the anxiety (appetite thrown off / not eating much sometimes). I hate when I feel like that. Possibly looking into a potential therapist as I do struggle sometimes daily with talking to other people besides family (need another person to talk to; haven't been in a few years to therapy- it's a great tool for anyone if they can afford it). 
• Celebrated birthdays for family / furry friends (ie my dad, my mom, my grandmother, my pop pop, my 2nd cousin, my cousin, and my doggy Hyatt).
• And I've also been struggling a ton with my sexuality; I've always felt like I've not identified as female nor male. I've felt "fluid" in a way. I've never cared about gender when it comes to that aspect (even though I've never been with a girl before). When I was in that supoosed friendship I mentioned above, I did start developing feelings for that friend. I had let the negative aspect get to me so much, I couldn't focus on what the positive aspect was. She was a lovely person to be around, but always was a very negative person about anything and everything. She was the person I wanted to see what kissing girls felt like (as embarrassing as that sounds to me writing this right now). It wouldn't be embarrassing to some people. I, sometimes, feel I identify as gender fluid / pansexual if you want specific terms. All my life I've never felt like my self,  I've always felt different. People would always mistreat / use me for things, and I didn't like being taken advantage of at all. I just wanted to be myself. Is it that hard to ask?

What I want you to know, the reader, reading this that if you are struggling daily don't be afraid to ask for help. Know that there is help out there, and if you are someone that isn't sure of your "identity" to this world; it will come sooner than later. Mine took time to figure it out; labels I usually don't like but it's better to get out whatever it is that is holding you back from being who you want to be. Be the different one, show off your true colors, and hold your head up high. Someone out there may be telling you that right now. If they haven't, I'm sorry; but all that aside, you will find yourself. You be free of the person you once were and you can finally be the person you've always meant to be: YOU! 

Let me tell you something I should've told my younger self:

"Life will always tell you to be this or do this; don't listen to what that is. Just be yourself; let your freak flag fly, honey! Don't be like everyone else. They say it's a trap you know. But open yourself to things you never thought you could open yourself to doing."

I hope you enjoyed this post and don't be afraid to be different. Life isn't always meant to be perfect sometimes; but do one thing for me, make sure you are taking care of yourself inside and out. It will help in the hereafter. You are loved, strong, and worthy of such great things. 

-Lauren-

What I Want To Accomplish for 2019

Welcome to 2019! Yay! Whoo-hoo! We survived last year, and hopefully we can make this year better. Anyways, I wanted to personally share what I want to accomplish for 2019. I normally don't share these, but I thought, "why not?" So here are the things I want to conquer in 2019!

• To have written over 100 plus short stories / novels (with me an aspiring writer, I would love to accomplish this. It would make me feel even more proud of writing skills).
• To get over my fear of getting a tattoo (really would like one or two- I want one inspired by Demi Lovato's bird tattoo, and the other is inspired by the infinite quote from Perks of Being a Wallflower).
• To walk more with both of my doggies (walking to me is a good way for me to care for my mind / wellbeing and to track my Fitbit steps / do more exercise).
• Discover Tarot Cards + do an at-home proper (non-witchy / psychic) reading (I got inspired by a YouTuber I watch- Kalyn Nicholson- to get some of these; even though I'm a bit iffy about this subject matter, I'm becoming more interested in it).
• Journal a lot more (with writing, I can get things out more; with journaling, it feels like I'm releasing a lot more out of me. Plus journaling is just fun overall).
• To take better care of my sleep pattern / get to bed earlier (I'm bit of a night owl, and I want to do what I can so I can have a proper night's rest). 
• Reduce the amount of plastic I use daily (plastic is in everything; I want to try to bring my reusable bags when I grocery shop, bring my reusable water bottle, buy more foods with more recyclable/reusable packaging, maybe learn to compost, and be less wasteful with my cotton rounds / face wipes when I do my skincare routine. Just be better for the environment which isn't a bad thing if you think about it).
• Experiment with trying new things I find everyday in life (i.e.- music, food, TV shows / movies, etc.)- I always like to try new things everyday but the little things each day is what makes the day even better.
• Practice longer meditations (up to 30 mins?; meditating is the best tool for me, and if I can practice it for even longer that would be fun).
• Zipline (I've always wanted to do this and get over my semi-fear of heights).
• Learn to love more, judge less, and not let other peoples' opinions value mine (I've got a terrible habit sometimes of being judgmental and I want to lessen than down a bit; in the world today we always have an opinion on everything and I don't want it to get to me too much. Have a better outlook from that opinion. With me being single, I want to value the love I recieve daily with those that love me- friends, family, etc. Because love makes the world go around and ultimately makes the world a better place. Without it, the world would suck and we would all be sad. So more love in 2019!)
• Read more books and practice gratitude daily (I'm bit of a book worm, and I love to read so reading more wouldn't be such a bad thing. And learning to take in gratitude daily and to do my daily gratitude journal. Writing things down that make me feel grateful ultitmately have a good impact on  how my day will add up to be).

So, what do you want to accomplish for 2019? Lemme know in the comments.

We will make this year a good one, and we will fill it up with love, peace (which the world so desperately needs right now), and balanced out harmony. And to take the time out this year to better ourselves mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

What are you waiting for? Go out and chase those goals / dreams! 

See you in a future post!

Love all of you wonderful humans!

-Lauren-